


Here I Go Again

by ThreeWhiskeyLunch



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Control Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mass Effect Big Bang 2020, Mention of past Kaidan/fShep, Mention of past Thane/fShep, Post-Reaper War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:55:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24971905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeWhiskeyLunch/pseuds/ThreeWhiskeyLunch
Summary: Eight years after the Reaper War, Spectre Kaidan Alenko is sent to Eden Prime to investigate rumors of Cerberus' plans to take control of a Reaper. He doesn't expect to find Zaeed Massani there. And he certainly doesn't expect to be so attracted to the former mercenary.~There is a quiet hum. Always a quiet hum, no matter the size. This one is no different, picking its way carefully through the darkness, a lumbering, massive ghost towering over his head to become part of the night sky.“Shepard?” Kaidan asks softly, but the Reaper makes no response.There is never a response.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Zaeed Massani
Comments: 22
Kudos: 20
Collections: Mass Effect Big Bang 2020





	1. There I was out by myself, Doin' all right, Until I saw you last night

**Author's Note:**

> Amazing art provided by the talented and gorgeous [neolithicprofit](https://neolithicprophet.tumblr.com/)! How did I deserve to get such wonderful art?
> 
> Many thanks to potions and beetle for your patient beta-ing. I love you both.
> 
> [Have a playlist too!](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLvRr4ELzSIfg4TPn6V2yg53_yOfXiuwMw)

2194

Eden Prime

There is a quiet hum. Always a quiet hum, no matter the size. This one is no different, picking its way carefully through the darkness, a lumbering, massive ghost towering over his head to become part of the night sky.

“Shepard?” Kaidan asks softly, but the Reaper makes no response.

There is never a response.

* * *

He hasn’t been back to Eden Prime since the day they—he, Shepard, and Liara—had discovered what should have been a 50,000 year old corpse, but instead had turned out to be a walking, talking, highly opinionated Prothean. In the eight years since then, the planet has been renewed, mostly due to the help of the Reapers that even now he can see out in the fields, tending to the crops. It's more than a little disquieting. He will never get used to the sight of those towering monstrosities, however supposedly benign they now are. Once they had been the destroyers of worlds. Now they build and plant and sow. It must be a very strange existence, Kaidan thinks to himself, to have one’s only purpose be destruction for a millennia of cycles. Now doing they do the complete opposite. 

New Enterprise sits on the edge of a lake, surrounded on all other sides by the sweeping expanse of corn and wheat fields and gently sloping hills. Buildings and houses—some prefab, some built on site—line the clean streets. He finds the bar with relative ease. A neon sign declaring ‘The Liquid Courage’ flashes orange, yellow, then red. Kaidan steps under the awning and then inside the prefab, eyes barely having to adjust from the darkness outside to the dim interior. A turian stands behind the bar, bare of colony markings, with bright green eyes that seem to leave no detail uncovered.

“I’d like to speak to the owner,” Kaidan tells them. The turian nods wordlessly and walks the length of the bar and then down a short hall, stopping at an open doorway for a moment and then returning.

“He wants to know who the hell you are.”

“I’m a Spectre. The council sent me—”

“Bloody hell. Shoulda figured they’d send you.” Zaeed Massani stands in the hall, wiping his hands on a dish towel and throwing it over his shoulder with practiced ease.

“Massani? Are you—” he cuts himself off, walking toward him and lowering his voice. “Are you my contact?”

Zaeed smirks and nods towards the door he'd just stepped through. “I sent the message. C’mon back to my office.”

“Wait, so. You own this place?”

“Hard to fucking believe, but yeah. Retirement lasted all of three weeks and then I got bored off my goddamn ass. Bought this place at a rock bottom price. Still not sure if it was a good investment, but—” He doesn’t finish, instead leading Kaidan through the kitchen where a pile of plates sit stacked at the sink. A salarian stands at the cook's station, flipping hamburgers. "Take over, Kid." The salarian nods as Zaeed doesn’t stop, instead heading out the back door and into the quiet evening, pulling out a cigar as he sits at a small picnic table. “Have a seat."

Kaidan sits across from Zaeed, watches him light up the cigar. In that minute he notes the addition of more gray hair and a few new lines on his face, cut deep by shadows. It’s reminiscent of the image he sees in the mirror every morning. Time is not anyone’s friend. He also admits to himself that for whatever signs of aging, the older man is still as handsome as the last time, though perhaps in a softer way. Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all.

“So what did they tell you?” Zaeed asks.

“Only that I was to come here and meet with the owner of The Liquid Courage. They said you had information on someone trying to control a Reaper.”

Zaeed nods and lays his forearms on the table, leaning closer. Kaidan’s never really had a chance to examine the tattoos that cover both arms, but now he finds the patterns almost mesmerizing as they twist and swirl around his arms. “That about sums it up. This couple that comes in fairly regular, usually in the afternoons. Heard them one day when I was cleaning off the table next booth over. Something about Reapers, lotta technical jargon I didn’t catch, and then one of them said, ‘This will be the first. If we succeed, we get them all.’” He takes a long draw on his cigar, the ember on the end glowing red hot. “Didn’t really think too much about it, but two days later, they’re joined by someone else. Someone I recognized from Cerberus.”

“Cerberus? What do you mean?”

“Don’t know if you know, if Shepard ever told you, they tried to do to me what they did to their soldiers. Make me up into some sort of goddamn Reaper-cyborg freak. Managed to escape. This woman that came in, she was one of them working in the labs.” Zaeed nods, and gives Kaidan a piercing look. “I’m not a fucking genius, but I can add two and two and get they’re up to no fucking good.”

Kaidan studies him for a long minute. Shepard had never given Kaidan any reason to doubt Zaeed’s loyalty. She’d never told him what had happened in that year she’d spent working under Cerberus and Kaidan had never asked, not sure he wanted to know. He saw the devotion and esteem held by the crew she’d had at the time and recognized it in himself. A feeling he hasn’t had for any other commanding officer. It went beyond anything mundane and well into recognition that he was in the presence of a historical giant. Whatever had happened in that year, he knew it was enough to cement the loyalty of each and every person on that crew. They would die for her. Even now, with her dead and buried on a hill in London. “Did this Cerberus woman recognize you?”

Zaeed shakes his head. “She didn’t see me. Once I saw her, I made sure of that.”

“Do you know who these other people are?”

He shakes his head again. “New Enterprise is about fifty thousand. Several plants around this area.” He jabs his thumb back toward the bar and presumably the turian bartender, “Sistia doesn’t know either. He’s been asking around, discreetly of course. I tried to tail them, but lost ‘em when they went through a farmer’s market not far from here.” He shrugs. “Thought about calling in Kasumi for some covert ops. Then I figured probably might be of some interest to the Council, what with the Reapers _being our friends_ and all.”

The sarcastic drag in his voice is hard to miss. Even after seven years, it is a sentiment held by many people that it’s beyond ironic that those who were set to eradicate any space-bound species they could lay their grubby tentacles on are now the ones who have repaired that which they had destroyed. There are many who have accepted it and moved on. But there are still those, like Zaeed apparently, who are sat prepared to fight at a moment’s notice. And if Zaeed knew what Kaidan knew…

Kaidan shakes his head to clear it. “So do these people come in regularly? Have you seen this Cerberus person again?”

“Yes. And no.” He draws again on his cigar, flicking ash onto the ground. “They come in a couple times a week. No regular day, but usually mid-afternoon. Figure they’re getting off from work somewhere not far off. They were here yesterday. Haven’t seen the Cerberus woman since. Tried to follow her too, but she took off in a car.”

Kaidan sighs and makes some notes in his omni. “I guess I get to make this my home the next couple of days.” He touches his omni to Zaeed’s. “Going to give you a couple apps to make it easy for you to contact me. Plus a tracking app that goes both ways. Just in case. You mentioning Cerberus gets my hackles up. They’ve been mostly dormant since the end of the war, but they could be doing anything out in the Traverse.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Zaeed nods. “Camp out as long as you need.”

Kaidan makes a few notes on his omni before closing it up again. “I need to go back to my ship for a couple things and change out of my armor. If they happen to appear in the meantime, let me know.”

“Will do.” Zaeed grins. “I’ll let Sistia know not to give you a hard time. Or more of a hard time than is his normal.” _And then he winks._

A warmth spreads over Kaidan’s cheeks and he wonders what the hell he’s gotten himself into.

* * *

Several days pass with no sighting of either person. Kaidan alternates between riding a stool at the bar or camped out in a corner booth, with occasional forays into the kitchen to relieve the boredom, usually when Zaeed is at the grill. Sistia tends to give Kaidan the stink-eye when he wanders into places not for the public, but he can't seem to help himself. Watching Zaeed flip burgers has to be one of the strangest sights Kaidan has ever had the privilege to behold. The older man does it with ease, letting tickets stack up, unconcerned about getting things done quickly. Not that the bar is overall very demanding until the evening, when several other crew step in to relieve Zaeed and Sistia. Zaeed seems content to not micromanage and be there at all hours, which also surprises Kaidan. When he mentions it, Zaeed just shrugs and says, “Goddamn retired, aren’t I?”

The best parts of the day are when Zaeed leans on the bar after sliding another coffee over to Kaidan and reminisces about things long past. When he finds out Shepard had never really shared what went on during that year with Cerberus, he tells Kaidan about the Reaper ship, finding Legion, how they’d rescued Garrus on Omega, what a ‘ _Right Royal Bitch’_ Shepard had been after Horizon—the thought of which gives rise to a blush on Kaidan’s cheeks.

“I don’t regret turning Shepard down on Horizon,” Kaidan says softly. “I felt...betrayed. After what we’d seen Cerberus had been capable of before? They’d obviously spent a lot of resources on her. To what end, I didn’t trust. I should have known she would have never let them manipulate her like that. I should have trusted her sooner. But there was so much we— _I_ —didn’t know. I couldn’t just drop everything, however much…”

Zaeed looks at him through narrowed eyes. “However much you loved her.”

Kaidan glances up quickly, “That obvious?”

“Could tell there was something going on between you two. Garrus was pretty close-mouthed about it when I mentioned it later. Can tell you, soon after Horizon we picked up Krios and she and him were thick as thieves after that.” Zaeed shrugs, topping off both their coffees. Kaidan watches him pour a measure of cream into his before reaching out for the pitcher. Their fingers brush for only a moment in the pass off, but it’s enough for Kaidan to scowl at himself, that something so barely noticeable could make his heart thud. “Heard what he did for her on the Citadel, saving the counselor, giving up his own goddamn life. Not much you can do to compete with that.” He eyes Kaidan again, as if weighing him out to see if his assessment is correct.

“No,” Kaidan says. He twists the coffee mug. “There’s really not.” It’s not the first time he’s wondered what would have happened if he’d gone with Shepard. He wonders if they would have gotten back together. He wonders if she would have survived in the end. “I didn’t realize at the time what they were to each other. He never said anything at the hospital. It was only after that I knew. And she...you weren’t there. On the ship. She shut herself off, not just to me, but to everyone. Not that she was cold or distant, just...there was a part of her that she didn’t let anyone else see. And at the end—that final battle. She was so...desperate. Hungry. She put all of us on the ship and headed off alone to that beam like a death march. I don’t think she ever planned to survive, no matter what.”

Zaeed doesn’t say anything for a long while, studying the depths of his own coffee. Finally he sighs and looks up. “Never met anyone quite like her. And granted, I never knew her before that goddamn business over Alchera. But you gotta figure whatever Cerberus did to her to bring her back, that’s gotta fuck with a person’s mind. Make you doubt everything you thought you knew. Make you wonder at the whole goddamn _Why’_ of it all. Maybe Thane was able to ease some of that. Of all of us on that goddamn suicide mission, and for all his many talents as an assassin, he seemed to be the one most centered. The rest of us were just bags of bones with goddamn daddy issues and pieces of our past we couldn’t let go. But he was actually out to improve this shithole of a galaxy and that’s saying something. I could see how Shepard might latch onto that. How it might make things seem like it isn’t all just meaningless nonsense.” He reaches down below the bar and pulls up a bottle of whiskey, pulling out the lid and tipping some into his mug. He reaches forward towards Kaidan’s with a questioning glance. Without hesitation, Kaidan pushes his coffee closer and nods. “You gotta wonder if she ever approached Miranda after Thane died. Bloody hell, or after Mordin…” Zaeed swallows down the coffee in several large gulps. “If I were her, I’d wonder if they can do it for her, why not Thane? Why not everyone else you’ve ever loved and lost?” He swallows down the last of his coffee with a grimace. “What a goddamn nightmare that must have been for her. Who can blame her for rushing toward death? Especially someone like her, with her goddamn savior-hero complex and no one to live for.”

Kaidan’s throat burns, raw and tight. The coffee is somewhat cool and the whiskey burns the back of his throat as he swallows. Zaeed’s words stab into his gut, twisting and churning emotions long held back. Another measure of whiskey is poured out and Zaeed tips his mug in a toast. “Here’s to the most goddamn insufferable, selfless bitch this galaxy has ever seen.”

Kaidan laughs softly and lifts his cup. “Here, here.”

They drink the shots and Zaeed slams his mug down on the counter. “She had one helluvan ass, I tell you.”

“That she did,” Kaidan whispers. Even now, he can recall the feel of her in his arms, supple and alive and real. How she excited him, gave to him, felt under him, over him, around him. Hair falling like silk through his fingers. Her eyes bright and shining. Her laughter as her orgasm arched her back. The softness of her voice as she spoke words only for him. The memory, he thinks, is a blessing and a curse.

“Listen. How ‘bout you come round to my place for dinner and I’ll cook you some real food?” The question jars him out of his lustful, sorrowful reverie.

“Huh?”

“When was the last time you had a home cooked meal, Alenko?”

“I, uh…”

“You notice that island out in the lake on your way in?”

“Yeah.”

“Head there. Seven?”

“You live on an island?”

Zaeed shrugs. “Good sightlines.”


	2. I cannot help it. Here I go again.

_Good sightlines indeed_ , Kaidan thinks as he approaches the island and the house sat atop the craggy rocks. There’s barely a spot to land a second car next to Zaeed’s. When he steps out the sun has lowered enough to allow a cool breeze to blow across the lake and whisper through the trees. He pauses to admire the view, the shoreline far distant, small waves splashing against the rocks down below. A person could see any approaching vehicle for kilometers.

Good sightlines indeed.

“The water’ll kill ya.” Kaidan turns to see Zaeed leaning on the door jam, arms crossed over his chest, and looking like he might have been there for more than just a few moments. “Some sort of acid run-off from a mine t’other side of the lake.”

“You certainly know how to pick your spots,” Kaidan says, and he can’t keep the admiration from his voice. 

Zaeed shrugs and grins. “Bought it for the defensive position. Stayed for the view.”

The prefab house has been modified beyond what Kaidan would have expected to include wood floors throughout and a deck that looks out over the lake. Zaeed ushers him inside and gives him a short and sweet tour of the dining room, kitchen, two bedrooms—one of which is stacked high with storage crates in addition to some exercise equipment, and a sort of den-like living room with a fireplace and chocolate brown leather sofa. It's tastefully simple and comfortable in a way that speaks to Zaeed's tastes. Kaidan finds he’s surprised and pleased.

And intrigued.

"Whiskey?" Zaeed is already pressing a cut-glass highball into his hand, with two fingers of what, after an appreciative sniff, appears to be high quality Scotch.

"Nice place," Kaidan says after a sip. "Nice Scotch, too."

"The Illusive Man saw fit to pay me upfront for that goddamn suicide mission. Spent some of it fighting the war. Enough left over to buy this place. And the bar." Zaeed takes a sip of his own whiskey before leading him out to the deck. “Strangest part is waking up in the same room every day.”

“I can’t even imagine that. It’s been so long…” The bed he most frequents is on his ship, and he supposes that, more than anywhere, is his home at this point.

“Bit boring, to be honest. Kinda miss being out there,” Zaeed nods upwards, towards the stars that are just now beginning to appear in the evening dusk. “Never go back to mercenary work, though. Don’t miss that at all.”

“Did you...I mean...I don’t know you. But did you like doing that? Back when you did?”

Zaeed looks at him thoughtfully for a moment. “Wasn’t a question of liking, was it? I was good at it. Made enough to survive. Had some fun. Got to see the galaxy, probably more than I wanted really. Got to be in on some action. But _liking_?” He shakes his head. “Anyone who _likes_ killing has more problems than’s good for ‘em.”

Kaidan nods, his nose in the whiskey glass. “Doesn’t compare to how many the Reapers killed.”

“Indeed it fucking doesn’t.” Kaidan follows Zaeed’s gaze, out across the lake to the edge of the water where a Reaper towers over the trees, working in the field. They watch it in silence for a while, eerily quiet from this distance. A benevolent overlord. “How do you figure it?” Zaeed asks softly. “How it happened? What did she do to them? What did she die for so that we can have peace with those... _things_.”

Kaidan shrugs. “No one knows for sure. I know Cerberus was working on something. Some way to control them. And Shepard had said at one point that she’d rather die than have that happen. Something, or someone, must have changed her mind to allow it.” He shakes his head. “Something about the Crucible, perhaps? Hackett won’t say a word about it.”

“But you have your theory.” Zaeed turns to look at him, far too insightful for Kaidan’s current comfort.

Of course he has a theory. One that may never be proven. One he has no evidence for. One that terrifies him down to his very core. It is beyond his own imagining, but, if true, makes him respect Shepard all the more for it.

Respect. With a healthy dose of fear.

“She’s in there,” Zaeed points to the slowly moving Reaper on the horizon. “In all of them. That’s what you think. Downloaded her consciousness into them somehow so as to control them.” He studies Kaidan for a long moment and then nods when Kaidan remains speechlessly silent. “That’s what I think, too.”

He can’t stop the rise of his eyebrows. Zaeed is proving to be far too insightful. “You—”

“Why else would they just suddenly stop? If she figured out some way to do it, even if it meant sacrificing herself, she’d have done it in a moment. You know that probably better’n I do.” Wrinkles crease the man’s brow as he frowns. Zaeed opens his mouth to say something else, but then seems to reconsider, snapping his mouth shut and shaking his head. “Doesn’t matter now, I suppose. Seeing as how _all’s right with the galaxy_.” Before Kaidan can answer, Zaeed turns on his heel, his sarcastic words drifting in the air, and marches off to the small kitchen. “Hope you like lasagne.”

Kaidan watches his retreating back, gaze drifting down his fit body and finds he has to shake himself out of an admiring reverie of Zaeed’s ass. The conflicting emotions of sadness, even after all these years, of losing Shepard and his sudden—must be loneliness, surely—interest in a man he barely knows war within Kaidan for an eternity of seconds until he follows Zaeed into the kitchen to watch him finish tossing a salad.

“My mum’s recipe,” Zaeed winks and Kaidan’s visceral, internal reaction is anything but calm and collected. He hopes he manages to at least put on an outward appearance of those neglected emotions, at any rate.

“I’m sure it will be good then,” Kaidan says, but Zaeed laughs.

“Not hardly. She was a terrible cook, my mum. Tweaked it a bit is all. How that woman could make dry goddamn pasta, I’ll never know.” An aroma of tomatoes and cheese fills the air as Zaeed opens the oven door. The lasagne bubbles and sputters as it’s pulled out and set on the counter.

“So I’m damned sure it’ll be good then,” Kaidan says with a smile and Zaeed’s faint blush at the compliment does something to Kaidan’s guts, twisting them up in ways they haven’t been in a good, long while.

“Your pretty words will die in your throat when you taste it. Not that great of a cook, myself,” Zaeed mutters, transferring the pasta to the table. “Burgers and fries I can handle. Anything else is just me waving my goddamn hands in the air and pretending I know what I’m fucking doing. Grab that salad, would ya? And the garlic bread.” Wine is uncorked and poured and Zaeed waves at one of two places already set with plates and cutlery. “Don’t stand on ceremony. Tuck in.” He sets the bottle aside and sits while Kaidan scoops up a large serving of lasagne. “So, what’s the word in the galaxy? Feel like I’ve been out of the loop for too long.”

It’s surprisingly easy to talk to Zaeed, Kaidan finds as he fills him in on events that have transpired in the last few years. Zaeed catches him out several times, asking questions to dig deeper into the politics he claims to abhor, but seems to understand intuitively. It’s been a while since Kaidan’s had someone to talk to on this level, who aren't already involved such as other Spectres or the Alliance. Not more than just the once, Kaidan finds himself having to swallow down what’s been on his mind for the last several weeks, the real reason the Council sent him out to chase a half-assed clue. Zaeed’s quick mind and easy understanding is too great of a surprise that sends that urge of confession too far up his tongue for Kaidan’s liking. Even so, he can’t help but admire the man’s abilities even more, not just as someone good with a gun, and even better at surviving, but as someone who understands the intricacies and underlying motives behind the political machinations.

He diverts himself with a story about a mission the Council sent him on to Omega and how Aria, firmly entrenched as the de facto ruler ever since Shepard had helped her take the station back, had implemented small changes to some of her policies—or previous lack thereof. One of which was setting up what could be called a police force, but more often than not looked like mercenaries out for their own gain. And how she’d tried to bribe Kaidan with “an eternity embrace so powerful it would knock the biotics right out of my system” in order for him to look the other way.

Zaeed’s laugh fills the air and he throws down his napkin on the table. “Goddamn bitch. I hope you took her up on it.”

Kaidan shakes his head. “Asari aren’t...really my thing…”

Zaeed’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Well, hell, kid. Even so. You gotta ‘embrace eternity’ at least once in your life. Maybe not with Aria. She’d probably kill you and eat you with a nice chianti after. Need someone a bit more, er, non-lethal. Liara’d probably—”

“No. I’m good, thanks. Some things I’m happy to have remain a mystery, you know?” He empties the wine between their two glasses, looking anywhere but at Zaeed, who stares at him in what could be shock. “I just...can’t...see myself being one of those people. Who go in for just the kink of it. Asari are beautiful, sure. But like a painting, or a concerto by Bach. Maybe not everything needs to be devoured and spit out. Maybe some things can just be appreciated for what, er, for _who_ they are.” He turns finally and looks Zaeed in his mismatched eyes, sees the corners of his mouth curl up and the crow’s feet at his eyes crinkle.

“Hell, Kaidan. Didn’t know you had that in you.”

Kaidan feels a blush warming his cheeks and ducks his head, turning his attention back to his empty plate. The food had been good, but his stomach rumbles, still hungry. He hadn’t wanted to appear greedy going for a _third_ helping.

“Eat your fill,” Zaeed says softly, pushing the food towards Kaidan. “Know you biotics tend to burn through calories.” Zaeed gets up from the table to retrieve a second bottle of wine while Kaidan cuts out another piece of lasagne. “So,” Zaeed’s eyes cut over to him as he pours out more wine, in a way that Kaidan might describe as cagey, “anybody...waiting for you back at the Citadel?”

The fork on it’s way to Kaidan’s mouth stops midway as he looks over at Zaeed, surprised by the question. “I...uh. No? Not really much time for that sort of thing.” He completes the fork’s journey, chewing thoughtfully for a moment. “What about you? Are you and…” he pauses, searching his memory for a name, “Sistia…?” He doesn’t complete the question, letting Zaeed fill in the implication on his own.

“Naw. He has a mate. An asari, in fact,” Zaeed grins. “Nice couple.” He settles back in his chair, watching Kaidan as he eats. “So if asari don’t do it for you, who does?”

 _He is too blunt by half,_ Kaidan thinks, cleaning off his plate with a slice of bread. “Er...humans, mostly.”

“Women? Men?”

He feels the blush return when he looks up at Zaeed and feels that mismatched gaze seem to try and bore into him. “Um. Both? I’m not...choosy about gender.”

Zaeed nods, his face stoney, giving nothing away. But he continues to pry. “Older men?”

“Are you...Are you propositioning me?”

The other man shrugs and nods. “Been a good goddamn while. For me anyway.” He holds up his hands, “You don’t wanna, no harm, no foul. Thought I’d ask is all.”

“Is that why you asked me here?”

“Naw. Asked you here ‘cause I figured you could use a break from rations and bar food.” Zaeed leans forward, propping his elbows on the table. “And it’s goddamn nice to be able to talk to someone with more than two brain cells to rub together. Like I said, I won’t take it personal if I’m not your cup of tea.” He rubs at the scar that cuts across his cheek. The action speaks more than his words. “Not a spring chicken.”

“I—”

“Forget I mentioned it,” Zaeed gets up quickly, whisking away dirty dishes to the kitchen.

Sounds of running water and clattering dishware distract Kaidan. He should get up and help carry the rest of the things to the counter. But he stays and fiddles with his wine glass, mulling things over in his mind. Silence eventually breaks into his thoughts, so he gets up and gathers the glass salad bowl to him, walking softly across the wood floor. He finds Zaeed leaning against the counter, palms on the edge, arms straight out in front of him, lost in his own thoughts. He is, Kaidan thinks, a handsome man.

“I’m not saying ‘no’,” Kaidan says. He sets the bowl down gently, feeling the smooth, heavy weight of it on his palms. “I’m not saying ‘yes’ either.” Zaeed turns his head towards him, but otherwise doesn’t move. The muscles of his arms are toned and tense, highly defined below the sleeves of his t-shirt. Kaidan wonders what those arms would feel like holding him— _holding him down_ —but pushes the thought aside. “I won’t lie that I haven’t considered it. Even before you…” Zaeed stands straight at that, arms crossed over his chest. “I mean…” Kaidan coughs, trying to fit words together in an appropriate manner. “You have a nice ass.”

Or not so appropriate, as it turns out.

Zaeed’s eyebrows arch at the words and he blinks quickly several times. “ _In vino veritas_ ,” he says, his voice rumbling through the air and straight down Kaidan’s spine. “If we're gonna talk about asses, yours is goddamn prime.”

Kaidan laughs through his nose at that. “Uh. Thanks.” He brushes his hand through his hair. “I guess—”

“Look—”

“No, I mean. I guess what I’m trying to say, not very well at all, is I’m not averse to the idea.” He doesn’t fail to notice that Zaeed has dropped his arms and stepped closer. “But I’m not really...uh. I don’t just—”

“You’re not into one night stands,” Zaeed guesses. “Fuck buddies? That sort of thing?”

“Well, to put it bluntly, yeah.” Regardless of the words, he realizes he’s staring at Zaeed’s mouth, wondering how his lips would feel against his own. He wonders, too, if Zaeed is good at kissing. Wonders, in a jumble of thoughts, if he’s good at everything else. It could go both ways. Mercenary work is not known for prolonging relationships and that might mean Zaeed is a love ‘em and leave ‘em sort of person. Alternatively, he might be well...informed. Practiced. Kaidan’s eyes drift down to the wooden floor. He thinks about the single-malt Scotch and the leather sofa, the high quality of the wine they’d just drunk at dinner. He looks back up and sees desire writ large on the other man’s face.

 _Oh,_ he thinks. _Oh…_

“Good,” Zaeed says. And when had he moved so close? Close enough now to touch, to smell the wine on his breath.

“Good?” Kaidan can’t quite seem to catch his breath, barely daring to move. “Are you—”

The sudden pinging of Zaeed’s omni jolts them both out of their hypnotic trance. Zaeed growls and shuts it off, only to have it pinging again within seconds. He cuts an apologetic look at Kaidan before answering with a curt, “What?”

“Boss, you said if those people came back in we should call you right away.” Kaidan recognizes the voice of one of the crew, a batarian, that works at the bar at night.

“And?”

“They’re here. With some other human female.”

“Alright. Be right there.” Zaeed nods at Kaidan before going into his second bedroom and coming out with a pistol and a maglock belt. “C’mon. Take your car. Be right behind you.”

Kaidan points at the pistol. “Where’d you get a Paladin? Those are for Spectres only—”

But Zaeed just winks as he ushers Kaidan out the front door, locking it with the keypad. “Shepard. Who else?"

Kaidan palms his car door open. “Someday, I want to hear that story.”

“I can do that.”


	3. I looked in your eyes and I knew that I was blue

Zaeed directs him to park in the alley behind the bar. They enter through the backdoor to find the kitchen bustling with several cooks and wait staff moving quickly and efficiently. Zaeed fires up his omni and brings up the surveillance cameras, swiping through several until he finds the one with three humans sitting in a booth with their heads together. “There we go. That’s her, alright. Cerberus bitch from before. So what’s the plan?” he asks Kaidan, who is already activating the listening devices he’d installed several days ago in the bar.

“There’s a lot of noise,” Kaidan mutters. “They would have to come in when it’s busy.” He manages to tweak the settings, pressing the comm more firmly into his ear.

“—be soon,” a woman says. “If we don’t act quickly, we’ll lose our chance. How close can you get tomorrow?”

“Pretty close,” a man says. “They’re nothing if not predictable. Only problem is there will be witnesses.”

“Not once we take over, there won’t,” the woman, presumably Cerberus, says. After a moment’s stunned silence she scoffs, “What? You didn’t think you’d get away without blood on your hands, did you? This is how it works.”

“But not—” a second woman says.

“No ‘buts’. You’re either in or you’re out. And if you’re out, you’re a traitor to your race and every human who died by _their_ cold, lifeless claws.” Cerberus’ voice lowers. “Like your son. Right, Amanda?”

More silence, with only the hum of the bar in the background to indicate the mic is still active. Eventually, the man says, “We’re in. Tomorrow. But the window is small—”

“Leave that to me,” there’s a hard, repeated knocking, as someone raps with their knuckles on the table three times in succession. “Now. Go home. Get a good night’s sleep. And rest easy that soon, humanity will have their rightful place in the galaxy.”

Kaidan says, “I’ll follow the Cerberus woman, see what other intel I can gather.”

“Fine, I’ll take the other two.”

“I’m not asking you to help.”

“No. But I’m offering. Most excitement I’ve had in fucking years.”

Kaidan opens up his omni, “I’m activating the GPS app on your omni and the encrypted comm channel. Don’t do anything stupid.”

“What, who, me?” Zaeed checks the heat sink in his pistol before settling it on the maglock belt around his waist. “I’m the model of not-stupid.”

The sarcastic tone does nothing to ease Kaidan’s trepidation. “Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of.”

Zaeed just grins and nods him back out the back door. Kaidan follows him out to the front street where Zaeed stops, taking note of the cars parked nearby. “Quite a crowd in there tonight. Don’t recognize all these. Course, they could be on foot.”

“Or they could have parked several blocks away.”

“That too.” He stops short, melting back into the shadows in the alley. Kaidan follows, his eyes on the front door and the three people who step out. A woman, tall and handsome with dark, curly hair walks quickly toward a car.

“That’s me. Keep me updated on the other two.”

“You got it,” Zaeed says while Kaidan hurries back to his car. 

Kaidan paints the car with a tag when he passes close enough, thankful for all the handy gadgets the council provides—for a fee, of course—just in time as the woman speeds away towards downtown. He follows at a discrete distance, the tag pinging his omni at regular intervals. “Following on foot,” Zaeed says into his comm. “Looks like they’re headed for a residential neighborhood not too far from here.”

“Roger that,” Kaidan says. “Keep far enough back they don’t see you.”

“Know my business, Alenko,” Zaeed growls under his breath. “Don’t become one of the best goddamn mercs in the galaxy without a bit of skulduggery.”

“I’ll never doubt you again,” Kaidan says, smiling at the other man’s slightly insulted tone. “Just keep me updated.”

“Yessir, Major, sir.” And with that he signs off, leaving the sound of his voice lingering in Kaidan’s head and far more of a distraction than Kaidan would like.

“Fucking hell,” Kaidan whispers, returning his concentration to the task at hand with more than a little self-chastisement. He’s able to follow the woman with relative ease. She does nothing to even attempt to elude a tail, taking the direct route to one of the hotels downtown and parking her car on the street outside. He parks down a side street, watching as she enters the hotel with long, even strides. She fits the part of a professional business woman in every respect.

He briefly fills Zaeed in on his location, to which Zaeed says, “Classy. Exclusive. And goddamn expensive. Wonder who’s footing the Cerberus bill?”

“Good question. Since The Illusive Man and Miranda’s father are no longer in the picture.” Silence fills the car, punctuated only by his breathing and the ticking of the engine as it cools.

“Prefab house,” Zaeed says quietly. “Bloody ordinary looking.”

An address pops up on Kaidan’s omni which he quickly saves and searches the Alliance database, coming up with two names within minutes. “William and Amanda Simmons. She works at the docks, mechanical engineer. He works at the grain elevator. Shift manager. No kids. Wait—” Kaidan scans over the words, a sick feeling squirming its way into his gut. “One child. Deceased. Killed during the strike on Beckenstein. They moved here after the war.”

“Shit,” Zaeed mutters.

“Yeah.” It never fails to rend his heart, even though there’s barely a person, human or otherwise, that didn’t lose at least one family member during the Reaper War. Inevitably, it’s usually more than just the one. But he can imagine parents losing a child would be especially difficult.

“So what now, Major?”

“Sit tight. Keep eyes on. Unless you need to be somewhere else…?”

“And let you have all the fun? Not bloody likely.”

Kaidan allows himself a small smile. He generally works alone when he’s on Spectre business. He has to admit to liking the extra hand. “I’m heading into the hotel. See what I can find out.”

Once inside, he asks for the manager, flashing his Spectre credentials and follows the clerk unbidden into an office behind the desk. The fewer eyes that see him out front, the better. From the manager, he gets a name, Dyana Corson, and a permanent address on Beckenstein. He runs a search back in the car, surprised when barely anything comes up. No mention of any Cerberus affiliation in the past, current job listed as insurance sales. About as mundane as a person can get. _Someone’s been scrubbing their extranet trail._ He sends off a quick message to his favorite hacker to see if she can get anything better, then opens up his comm.

“Hey, Zaeed?”

“Here.”

“Wanna go check out their job sites?”

“Just waiting for you to ask. Looks like my end is settling down for the night.”

“Alright. Pick you up in a few.”

* * *

They check out the docks and then the grain silo. Zaeed points out good sniper positions for both before Kaidan can even ask and then offers to watch the docks the next day while Kaidan takes the grain silo. Zaeed Massani has inserted himself into this entire thing with an ease that Kaidan tells himself he’ll think about later. 

“You still have armor?” Kaidan asks. They’re back at the bar, the streets quiet and near-dark in the depths of the night, standing by their cars.

“Yeah. Had to get new. Old armor took a beating in London.” He pats his belly with a grin, “Might be a bit tight around the middle—”

Kaidan smiles, casting a quick glance down Zaeed’s torso. His brain fritzes out over what he was going to say—something about if Zaeed needed anything—and he shoves back the words on his tongue about how fit the man is. He’d seen the punching bag hanging in the corner of the spare room and the treadmill tilted high at an angle as if that was the only way Zaeed used it. Granted he hadn’t memorized Zaeed’s form before, but from the looks of him, he hasn’t gained an ounce since London. 

“I—er, you’re fit—Fine! You’re fine. I mean—” _goddamnit._ “I’m sure you—uh—” Kaidan feels his face heat with a blush he’s very glad the night is hiding. “Anyway, I’ll see you in the morning.” He turns on his heel and quickly heads to his car with the image of Zaeed’s grin haunting him the entire way.

* * *

Zaeed volunteers to watch the docks, ensconcing himself atop the building across the street with a Widow sniper rifle that also gives Kaidan pause. When he sees Kaidan’s look, Zaeed shrugs. “Shepard was pretty generous with Cerberus’ credits. Garrus got one too, you never saw it?”

“I, er—yeah. I just—”

What he was _going_ to say was something along the lines of ‘I didn’t know you and Shepard were _that_ close’. Widows do not come cheap. And that she bought _two_ —or maybe even more, considering Thane had also used sniper rifles—and handed them out like candy, speaks to her generous nature and, more strangely, to the small lump of jealousy that sits in Kaidan’s gut. By the time he had rejoined the Normandy, Kaidan had access to the Spectre requisitions himself, and could afford the purchase of whichever rifle he’d desired. Cortez had managed to hunt down several mods for him, which Kaidan had also paid for out of pocket, considering several of them were borderline blackmarket. He has nothing in his possession—not at his apartment on the Citadel, not on his ship, not on his person—that Shepard had given him. The bottle of whiskey she’d brought to the hospital as a peace offering was long gone, shared in a quiet, distraught moment after Thessia. He hadn’t needed anything else. And now he finds that Zaeed has not just one gun, but two, from Shepard. He wonders what other sort of momentos Zaeed might have that Shepard had dispersed. He mentally berates himself for his childishness, glad he kept his mouth shut. The feeling lingers uncomfortably, a canker sore threatening to burst.

“No, I mean. It’s an excellent rifle, from what I understand. Never been one for sniper rifles.” He takes a quiet, deep breath, in and out, trying to let the feeling go.

Zaeed grins and shows him the upgrades he’s made to it. The scope that lets him see through fog and smoke. The retrofitted clip that allows for extra heat sinks. Zaeed hands it over, crowing about the lightweight materials the stock and barrel have been changed out into, how it balances easy in the palm of his hand. And it does, indeed, seesawing back and forth until it comes to rest on his splayed out palm. He sights down the scope, the feel of the gun unfamiliar compared to his own assault rifle, but in the dimness of dawn, he can still see clearly. He passes it back, not missing Zaeed’s grin of pride. 

If he knows anything of Shepard, it is that she wouldn’t have purchased a pricy gun like this and given it to someone who didn’t deserve it. Once again his internal compass of Zaeed Massani shifts. Shepard trusted him and thought highly enough of him to show that affection in the form of an expensive gift. One that Zaeed most likely could have afforded himself, considering how much Cerberus had paid him.

He’s surprised to discover he’s staring at the scar on Zaeed’s lip, wondering what sort of kisser Zaeed is, wondering how that scar would feel against his lips. He’s startled out of his reverie as the corner of Zaeed’s mouth curls up in a smirk. Kaidan blinks several times and takes a deep breath, stepping backwards, trying to remove himself from the danger zone.

“I’m...heading over to the grain silo,” he says quickly. “Keep me updated.”

“Will do, Major,” Zaeed says in a growl that, to Kaidan’s ears, borders on sultry.

Thankfully, his armor hides his near-instant response.

He’s halfway into his car when Zaeed says, “One of these days, you’re not gonna turn tail and run when you get all goddamn flustered.” Zaeed pauses for a moment before continuing, “I’ll make bloody certain of that.”

Kaidan stares at him for a brief moment, his brain trying to run calculus while his dick fantasizes about callused hands. “Christ, Zaeed,” he mutters before shutting the door. He can hear Zaeed’s laugh through the closed car door.

* * *

The morning passes uneventfully. Zaeed checks in every hour to give an update and on one occasion forgets to turn off his comm so that Kaidan can hear him humming softly, and very much out of key, to himself. At one point he even sings the lyrics—”... _Bad dreamer, what’s your name? Looks like we’re riding on the same train. Looks as though there’ll be more pain. There’s gonna be a showdown…”*_ Kaidan smiles to himself and wonders if Zaeed is listening to something or just knows the lyrics by heart. He doesn’t recognize the song, but makes a mental note to try and figure it out when he has the time. The audio cuts out soon after that, so he figures Zaeed noticed the open comm and shut it down. He misses it once it’s gone.

Noon passes, and then one o’clock. The heat begins to get to him, sweat dripping down his neck. In the distance, coming just over the hill, he sees the top of a Reaper making its way toward the grain elevator. The sight sends a chill down his back, wondering if this might be the opportunity Cerberus has been waiting for. It moves slowly, cresting the hill and then making its way down along a heavily used road.

“Zaeed?”

“Yeah.”

“You got any sign of Reapers?”

“Nothing. Quiet as a church on Friday night over here.”

“Got a Reaper headed this way.” He scanned for any signs of the Cerberus woman. “No sign of Corson, but my hackles are up.”

“Want me to head over there?”

“Might not be a bad idea—” He’s cut off by a small explosion from down below and behind, just as the Reaper draws up to the grain elevator, it’s massive, black form only twenty meters away. “Shit. Get here now.” He shuts off the comms and scuttles to the edge. An old shuttle sits in wreckage, flames creeping upward. Several workers crowd in, one with a fire extinguisher. He doesn’t see Corson or either of the Simmons with them. And then the shuttle explodes again, sending the onlookers flying backward in a puff of hot air that he can feel atop the elevator. It would only take a few leaps with the jump jet to get back down, help the people that are still alive, but then the Reaper falls silent, a stillness only noticeable for the lack of the ever-present hum. Kaidan turns and sees a small port in the center of its chest close, pulled shut by Corson and realizes the explosion was a diversion.

“They’re inside the Reaper!” Kaidan whispers into the comm. “Goddamnit! Gotta—” Another explosion stops his heart in his chest. This time they’ve hit the grain elevator. He can feel it shudder and sway underneath him as it starts to buckle, tilting away from the Reaper. Not taking time to think, he activates his grappling belt and jump jets in two quick motions as he runs toward the Reaper. He leaps out over the edge as the building begins to fall, using the jump jet to push him forward and give him an extra second to aim the grapple.

“Kaidan!” Zaeed’s voice in his ear stalls his movement for only a split second, but it’s enough for him to miss the Reaper claw-arm and instead the grapple latches onto a small seam between its armor. Kaidan attempts to activate the jump jets again, but they’re still recharging and he starts to fall. “Kaidan, goddamnit! I can see the fucking explosion from here!”

The cord pulls tight as it reaches the end of its length, dangling Kaidan over the falling building, some 50 meters off the ground. With a grunt, he activates the auto retraction so that within a minute, he’s able to grab hold of the claw-arm and swing himself around, holding onto it like a branch of a tree. He secures the tracking device he’d had in his belt to the Reaper. “I’m okay,” he tells Zaeed. “Just—”

Another explosion sends him falling, the grapple wire screaming with his weight. He hits the end with a jerk, feels the grapple’s tension gone as it snaps free from the Reaper’s armor and then he’s falling through the air. The distinctive hum of the Reaper fills his ears as it powers back up. He can hear it even over the sound of his own internal scream. If he could turn, he could attempt a biotic stasis to land on, never something he’d been especially good at, but it’s the only thing his scrambling brain can come up with. What he thinks is the ground hits him before he expects it. Also unexpected is the sound of metal on armor when he lands. The Reaper holds him almost tenderly, just meters from the ground, it’s one large eye staring down at him.

“BARRIERS UP, MAJOR KAIDAN ALENKO.” He hears the words. He feels them vibrate through his body. Then the eye grows dark and the Reaper begins to lift from the ground and he’s falling again. This time he manages to twist enough to pull himself into a ball, falling the remaining meters to hit the ground with a heavy grunt, rolling slightly to come to rest on his back. He watches as the Reaper ascends toward the bright blue sky above him.

He knows now that Commander Jane Shepard is somewhere inside that Reaper. A part of it. Integrated and inseparable.

 _Barriers up, Kaidan!_ He can hear her voice, the echo of an echo, when she'd shout over the comms.

Shepard was the only one who’d ever used that expression with him.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Electric Light Orchestra _Showdown_


	4. What's the use, I'll just give in.

Zaeed finds him still laying flat on his back while the grain elevator burns close enough that the heat is quickly becoming unbearable on the side of his face. “C’mon,” Zaeed tugs him up, “that thing’s gonna fucking explode with all that goddamn corn in there.” He bends and pulls Kaidan’s arm around his neck, one arm around Kaidan’s back, trying to hurry them away from the fiery scene and towards Kaidan’s car. Zaeed tosses him into the passenger seat quickly and shuts the door, running around to the other side to jump in the driver’s seat.

Kaidan still feels stunned by the realization that Shepard is, somehow, alive within those mechanical beasts. Had she really felt that was the best way? Had there been no other option? He finds it hard to fathom that that’s what the Protheans had intended when they’d designed the machine. They’d known Cerberus had planned something along those lines. Is this how they’d managed to capture the one machine? Some of the research must have survived. And someone had found it and decided it was a good idea to put it back into action. But why just the one? What was preventing them from taking them all over at once?

“Can hear your gears spinning,” Zaeed says. “What happened?” Kaidan focuses on his voice, looking out the window at the lake that’s speeding beneath them. They’re on their way back to Zaeed’s house, then. Kaidan takes a deep breath and activates his omni to check the tracking beacon. It’s headed for the relay.

“I need to get back to my ship,” Kaidan says.

“Yeah, I figured. Stopping at my house to grab a couple things, then we can go.”

“We?”

Zaeed turns to grin at him. “Coming with you.”

“You are?”

“Not gonna sit around and twiddle my thumbs while Cerberus is out there, up to god knows what shitfuckery. You can’t be the only one having fun.” Zaeed winks and turns back to guiding the car down next to his house.

Kaidan shrugs and nods. He’s not sure how it’s happened, but he’s quickly gotten used to having Zaeed Massani around. Not only that, but he _likes_ it.

* * *

The amount of inferno grenades Zaeed brings along is impressive, tucked carefully into a belt strapped around his waist. He brings the Widow and a beat-up old Avenger rifle and heat sinks for both to make Kaidan wonder if he’s been hoarding them for such an occasion. While Zaeed loads his gear onto the ship, Kaidan synchronizes his omni with the CIC. A tracking light shows up on the galaxy map as the Reaper nears the relay. Kaidan runs to the cockpit, beginning the process of starting the ship.

“There’s a cat on my bed,” Zaeed says from behind him.

“Yeah, that’s Jasper. You’re not allergic, are you?” He flips through the haptic controls as quickly as possible while Zaeed slides down into the copilot seat.

“Don’t think so. Never had much chance to find out.”

“Go back and watch that tracking pip on the map. I want to know as soon as they emerge from the relay system.”

“Gotcha,” Zaeed is up again just as easily as he sat down. “Almost to the relay,” he says from behind.

After a brief shuddering start, the engines hum underneath his feet, a feeling and sound of home like no other Kaidan has experienced. Not even the bees buzzing in the orchard could make him feel this amount of joy. “Alright, they’re in,” Zaeed says.

The ship lifts up and Kaidan nods. “Hold onto your pantyhose,” he says with a grin. Then he guns it.

Once they’re in the black and headed for the relay, Kaidan switches on the VI and slides out of the pilot’s chair to hurry back to the map. “Any sign yet?”

Zaeed shakes his head. “Must be going through a series of them. Thought I saw something at Attican Travers, but then it disappeared again.” They stand and watch the map in silence for several minutes, the air tense with the waiting. “Your engine needs a tune-up,” Zaeed says eventually.

“I know.” Kaidan doesn’t take his eyes off the map, but can feel Zaeed’s gaze on him.

“Should get that looked to.”

“I will.”

“Just saying.”

Kaidan gives him a brief glance before looking back at the map. “There...hasn’t been much time lately for that.”

“Maybe you need an engineer on your crew.” Zaeed crosses his arms, leaning back on one leg, studying him with a sort of care that sends a shiver through his body.

“Is that an offer?”

“Heh. Hardly. I’m a point-and-shoot man, myself. Pretty sure there’s a long list of engineers would give their goddamn right arm to work on a Spectre’s ship though.”

Kaidan straightens to look fully at Zaeed. “What are you saying?”

The other man shrugs, as if what he’s about to say is no big deal. “Why the hell’re you out here all alone, Alenko?”

“Most Spectres work alone—”

“ _Most_. Not all. Shepard didn’t.”

“Shepard was different,” Kaidan mutters, returning his attention back to the map.

“Seems to me you could use some help. Maybe an engineer. Maybe some backup…”

 _That_ gives Kaidan pause. He returns his look back over to Zaeed, who’s now studying the map as well. “Is _that_ what you’re offering? Backup?”

“Might be. We work well together. Something to think about, at any rate.”

“And the fact that I’m attracted to you and you’re attracted to me…?”

Zaeed doesn’t look up, but Kaidan can see a small grin tip the corner of his mouth. “Don’t know if that would work out, but if it did, that’s just icing on the cake, innit?”

He doesn’t answer, studying the man for quite some time while the ship hums and the map slowly turns. “And if it doesn’t? Work out?”

“I’m a grown-ass adult. I can be professional.” Zaeed looks up at him, a wicked grin on his mouth and an even more wicked twinkle in his green eye. “But if it did, it could be goddamn glorious.” He winks with his blind eye and looks back down at the map, nodding. “There’s your tracking pip.”

This is a conversation for some other time, when he isn’t distracted by Cerberus and Reapers and Shepard. On the map, the blinking light shows itself in the Phoenix Massing System, not quite on the far edge of the galaxy, but getting pretty damned close. “What are they doing all the way out there?”

Zaeed grunts. “Could be headed for Aite.”

“Eight? Eight what?”

He shakes his head. “Not ‘Eight’, _Aite_.”

“Oh, that clears it up completely.”

Zaeed rolls his eyes in exasperated amusement before continuing. “Planet in the Typhon System. Illusive Man sent us there. There’s a Cerberus base, or was at the time anyway. Some pretty fucked up shit going on there. Had this kid hooked up to a VI, trying to communicate with the geth. Rotten, dirty business. Could be the base is still there.”

The ship VI alerts them to the approaching relay. “I wanna know more about this base,” Kaidan says, heading toward the cockpit.

“Should be a report Shepard wrote,” Zaeed calls after him.

“I’ll read that, too.” He slides down into the seat and begins programming in the series of jumps necessary to get them to Phoenix Massing. “I’d prefer to hear your thoughts on it, though.”

When they emerge from the relay, Zaeed remains at the map. “They’re heading towards Typhon, anyway. Unless there’s something between here and there.”

Kaidan programs the VI to keep tabs on the tracker and then heads for the mess. “How do field rations sound to you?”

“Right fucking dandy.”

Over their meal, Zaeed tells him about the mission on Aite. About a crashed geth ship and how the director, Gaven Archer, had hooked up his autistic brother to a VI in order to communicate with the geth. And how the brother, David, then took over the geth and killed everyone on the base except for Archer, who had locked himself away “like a goddamn coward.” Zaeed tells how the kid had pleaded for it to stop. “Don’t know how Shepard didn’t kill that fucking doctor. Doing that to his own brother. She sent the kid to Grissom Academy, where they could actually do some good for him. Never heard what happened to him.”

“He was one of the ones rescued,” Kaidan tells him. “I remember seeing his name on a list working on the Crucible. Not sure where he is now, though.”

Zaeed nods thoughtfully, looking down at his meal. “I might be an asshole. Hell, I’ve done shit I’m not proud of in the name of survival and revenge. But even I have boundaries I won't cross. Kids is one."

Kaidan considers him. The way he says it makes him wonder. "You have family anywhere?"

Zaeed doesn't say anything for such a long time Kaidan begins to suspect he isn't going to answer. But then he says, "Gotta son. Bain." He looks up quickly, but then drops his eyes back down to the table. "I wasn't part of his life. His mum left right before Vido tried to kill me. Bain was just three months old. Probably for the best. Vido woulda gone after them too if he could have found them. Tried to send them money when I could but eventually, the credits would just come back. He contacted me right before the war. Telling me he's on his way to Andromeda."

"The Initiative?"

"Yeah. Was already on the goddamn ship and ten minutes from cryo." He shakes his head, looking up at Kaidan, his eyes full of such sorrow Kaidan’s own throat tightens. "So that was that."

“‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t really cut it, but I am.”

“It’s goddamn strange to think about, someone with my genes going off to somewhere I’ll never be able to see. Never get to find out what sort of shit he gets up to. Probably better this way, though. I’ll be long gone when he gets where he’s going. Gives me a bit of hope, if that makes any sense.”

“It does. Like already knowing your great-great-great-great grandchildren.”

Zaeed’s eyebrows raise in surprise, as if the thought of being a grandfather had never occured. He huffs a small laugh and nods. “I never woulda been a good father. Not back then anyway. Probably not now, even.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. The way I saw you treat your employees at the bar was pretty close to fatherly.”

Zaeed’s scowl makes Kaidan smile, as if a secret had been revealed that the man thought he had long hidden away. “You picked up too much mental noodling from Shepard.”

“Probably. Can’t say it hasn’t served me well.” Zaeed just grunts at that and pushes away his empty plate, his lips pressed in a firm line. Kaidan can see he’s clearly uncomfortable, so he says, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For telling me.”

Zaeed considers him. “No one ever asks. Even Shepard.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

He shrugs. “Must be the vibe I give off. Lone wolf. Old man. Musta sprung from the head of Medusa or some shit.” He sits back and crosses his arms. “Not like I’m goddamn anxious to overshare the personal shit. Vido’s one thing. Family’s another. My line of business, you could put family in mortal danger on a regular basis. Payback and what have you. Best to just leave that out of it.”

“But Shepard. She could play twenty questions four times over and still come back for more.”

“Yeah. Well. Maybe I never gave her the chance.” Zaeed gives him a pointed look. “Take control of the conversation no one can get a question in. Even nosy commanders.”

Kaidan blinks at him. “So why tell me?"

It takes Zaeed a minute to answer, and when he does, his answer makes Kaidan’s heart thud heavily several times.

“Well. You’re different.”

* * *

The tracking blip guides them directly to Aite. At some point in the next several hundred years, one of its moons will fall into its gravity, which has put a damper on any future developments on the planet. It’s a pity, Kaidan thinks, considering its near-Earth environment. Already the moon’s decaying orbit has begun to influence the weather, which they quickly discover once inbound in Kaidan’s shuttle. High speed winds push them around as if they’re made of tissue paper. Kaidan considers himself to be a fair pilot, and the bad weather is now putting that to the test. He has a greater appreciation for Steve Cortez’s ability to land them safely on Despoina now more than ever.

“Bit of a spring shower?” Zaeed yells from the back.

“A bit. You better be strapped in. Landing’s going to be tight.”

He manages to bring them down through sheets of rain several klicks from where Zaeed had identified the Cerberus base in a mountainous area. The wind kicks at the shuttle, trying to knock it over. “Alert,” the shuttle’s VI chirps, “incoming tornadic activity detected. Wind speed exceeding 250 kph detected. Time until event: eleven minutes, sixteen seconds.”

“Guess we’re not in Kansas anymore,” Zaeed mutters, unstrapping.

“That tornado is headed right for us. It’s massive,” Kaidan says, bringing up a geologic map of the area on the haptic controls. “There’s an old mine entrance not far. About a hundred meters or so. We could wait out the storm there. Proceed on foot once it’s cleared.”

“Lead the way.” Zaeed already has his pack on, holding Kaidan’s out to him. “Don’t fancy being tossed around in this tin can.”

The wind and rain push at them as they make their way towards the mine entrance. It’s slow going, but eventually, with a few minutes to spare, Kaidan hacks into the keypad and the door rolls open to reveal a long, unlit tunnel. The tunnel is extensive, heading down at a thirty degree angle, deep into the mountain. The door closes behind them, cutting off the wind and rain to a dull, ominous hum. “Reminds me…” Kaidan says softly. 

“Of?”

“We explored some old mines like this during the search for Saren. Hopefully this one is deserted.”

Water drips from the ceiling as they make their way into the main cavern. It’s littered with crates and old equipment, the detritus of a long-abandoned mining operation. Fortunately for them, no one seems to have made it their home in the meantime. Especially lucky considering the number of gangs and pirates who made this planet their home. They find a small room towards the back and after setting several motion detectors in place, they seal off the tunnel and take off their helmets.

“Just like home,” Kaidan says. The air smells metallic and damp, equipment rusting off in a corner. 

“It’ll do.” Zaeed sets down his backpack on a crate. “Least until that storm blows over.”

Kaidan checks his omni. “Going to be several hours. That storm is huge.” He looks up to see Zaeed watching him carefully. “What?”

Zaeed shrugs. “Guess we’ll have to figure out a way to pass the time.”

A chilling sort of thrill shoots down Kaidan’s spine. “Something you have in mind?”

Zaeed steps closer. “Hell yeah, I do.”

“And that would be…?”

Zaeed’s gaze flits down to Kaidan’s mouth. “Been wanting to do this a long time. Since that goddamn party on the Citadel.” He pauses and looks back up, catching Kaidan’s look. “If you’re willing.”

He’s asking permission, Kaidan realizes. It’s a surprise. A delight even that he would think it necessary. Zaeed seems like someone who would just take what he wants. That he doesn’t is another in a steadily growing list of things that add to the man’s appeal. “I...yeah—Yes.”

The words are no sooner out of his mouth and Zaeed is on him, mouth pressed almost desperately, a firm hand coming around to hold Kaidan’s head, fingers in his hair. Kaidan opens his mouth and their tongues find each other, the only sound the air rushing through their nostrils and a soft growl that rumbles up from Zaeed’s chest.

“You don’t waste any time,” Kaidan says, breathless, when Zaeed finally breaks the kiss.

“Life’s too goddamn uncertain to waste time.”

Kaidan smiles, leaning in. Their lips meet softly this time, as if the first kiss had unleashed Zaeed’s desperation in one fell swoop and now there’s just longing and need and desire. Kaidan captures Zaeed’s lip between his teeth and the other man laughs, curling his fingers in Kaidan’s hair. “You don’t waste time either,” Zaeed breathes.

“Not when I know what I want,” Kaidan answers with a half smile. His lips burn from the pressure of Zaeed’s mouth. He wants more. He likes the way Zaeed kissed him. He wants a thorough job of it. He looks around the mine and sighs. But this isn’t the time or the place for more, so he releases his hold and steps back. “To be continued later.”

Zaeed grins.

* * *

They sit in silence on the old crates. Kaidan mulls over the kiss and the strange feeling of contentment, existing in a companionable bubble with a man who is more rough and tumble than diplomat and subtle. Truth be told, he’s considered bringing on a small crew, especially considering it would be nice to have someone he trusts to maintain the ship, and even fly it when needed. A person like Zaeed could prove invaluable as well. Someone to back him up during a mission. Someone with possible contacts in the more nefarious side of society. Zaeed’s willingness to tag along is hardly in question. Sitting idle the last few years has obviously done nothing to dampen his abilities in the field. 

Kaidan gives Zaeed a sideways glance. Shepard had trusted him and that’s good enough for Kaidan.

He opens his omni and sends a message to Spectre requisitions on procedures for hiring and paying a permanent crew.

“Who’s Vido?” Kaidan asks once the message is sent. Zaeed looks at him, eyebrows raised in a question. “You brought him up earlier. Something about trying to kill you.”

Zaeed sighs. “Vido and I started the Blue Suns.”

Of course Kaidan has noticed the tattoo on Zaeed’s neck. It’s there for anyone to see. He’d figured Zaeed had belonged to the gang at some point, perhaps had left in bad circumstances. He’d never once considered that there might be much more to it than that. “You...what?”

“Happened a long time ago. Mercenary work. That’s what we started out as. Escort services. Guarding. Humans and turians. Then Vido decided to bring in Batarians. Run drugs. Piracy. Slave running. That sort of bullshit. I told him I wouldn’t tolerate it and he had six of my own men hold me down. Tried to kill me. Even then he couldn’t do the job right. Thought I was a goner, but I woke up in a clinic on Omega with half my face missing. Took the rest of my credits just to try and piece it all back together. Couldn’t afford the eye.” He pulls two water bottles out of his pack and tosses one to Kaidan. “Shepard...well, I fucked that up. She agreed to help me with a bounty. Shoulda told her from the start what it was all about. Tried to bring Vido down. Mistakes were made. _By me._ He got away.”

“What happened to him?”

“Searched for him after we got back from the Omega 4 relay. He’d gone far underground. Never had any goddamn luck. Couple years back, this batarian walked into my bar. Guy named Brae. He’s worked for Aria T'Loak as long as I can remember. Hands over a datapad, tells me Aria thought I might want it, then walks out. Turns out Vido had been trying to take back control of the Blue Suns and Aria wasn’t having it. Datapad had a vid of some room somewhere with a bunch of dead mercs. Vido among them.” He takes a long drink of water. “To be honest, it was a relief. Shepard, she—She didn’t make a promise exactly. She wanted to help me get him, especially after she realized how much of an asshole he was. But there was never time. She turned herself in to the Alliance and then—”

“Then the war.”

Zaeed nods. “Even if I could have located him, like hell would I have asked her to help. Too many others pulling her in all directions. My goddamn revenge fantasy never mattered to anyone else but me, even though I dragged too many people into it, including Shepard. Once I realized that...I lost the desire to follow through, ya know? Aria crippled him when she took over the gangs on Omega, as you well know. And the Reapers did most of the rest of the work. What little was left wasn’t worth a pot to piss in.” He reaches into another compartment and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, offering one to Kaidan, who takes one. He doesn’t smoke often, but now seems the time for it. “Goddamn anticlimactic ending. But at least he’s not around anymore to run slaves and get kids hooked on red sand.” Zaeed holds out the flame end of his lighter so Kaidan leans in. The scent of smoke adds to the other smells in the cave.

“You never wanted to take over the Blue Suns yourself?”

“Got no head for PR. And that’s what it’d take to clean the name up.” Zaeed shakes his head. “Not to mention everyone in that gang’s loyal to Vido. Or at least to his memory. Have to scrap the whole kit’n’kaboodle. Start over. Easier to buy a bar.” He takes a drag and looks at Kaidan. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Someone with your biotic abilities might be so inclined to go rogue.”

“I’ve...done things I’m not proud of. Maybe because of those that I don’t.”

Zaeed nods, but he doesn’t press, for which Kaidan is grateful. At the moment, he doesn’t really feel like explaining what happened with Vyrnnus again. Or what happened after.

“There’s something I think you should know,” Kaidan says.

Zaeed flicks the ash off his cigarette. “Okay.”

He takes a deep breath and then blurts out what he's been holding back since finding out Zaeed was his contact. “Last year one of the Reapers on Earth just sort of up and destroyed itself by heading into the sun.”

Zaeed’s eyebrows shoot up. “I’ll be damned. Never heard about that.”

“The council kept it quiet.” He toys with the butt end of his cigarette with his thumb. “Then it happened again. Six months ago on Thessia. And then four months ago on the Citadel. Three total. That the council knows of anyway.”

“There a theory? Someone taking them over?”

Kaidan shakes his head. “They don’t think so. But it’s triggered a concern that someone could, eventually, figure a way to do just that. Your message was...timely.” He throws the butt to the ground where it sizzles briefly on the wet, stone floor. “When we get to the Reaper, my orders are to upload a virus that should spread to all of them. Make them all fly into the nearest star to destroy themselves.”

Zaeed whistles long and low. “Goddamn. Can’t say I’ll be sorry to see them go.” His butt joins the other one on the ground. “But you have your doubts. _If_ Shepard is still, somehow, a part of them.”

Kaidan sighs and nods. “I don’t...know…”

“You think it’s a bad order?”

“No. There’s so much we don’t know. Too many variables. They’ve survived for millions of years. Who’s to say they won’t break free of the control at some point? Or if someone like Cerberus can actually take control of them? And then someone else with even worse intentions after that?” Kaidan shakes his head. “It’s not a bad order. It’s logical.”

“You just don’t want to be the one to do it.”

He says nothing, pressing his lips together to keep the building, internal scream from escaping. He feels tangled up, unable to sort through the morass of what he thinks and feels about Shepard.

A heavy sort of quiet waiting settles over them, broken only by the dripping of water. Kaidan thinks about the last time he saw Shepard, bloodied and nearly broken, smudged with mud and worse, her figure getting smaller and smaller as the Normandy pulled up and away, and how she had turned with a fierce determination toward the beam.

“Back when we hit that Collector base,” Zaeed says, “they were making this Reaper out of humans. Big thing. And only half done but still ten stories tall if it was a meter. Shepard was all set to destroy it—the thing had nearly killed us—and The Goddamn Illusive Man pops up and tries to convince her to keep it. Send it to him like some twisted goddamn toy he can play with. She told him to fuck off, bless her. Blew that abomination to bits. I asked her later how she makes the decisions she does. Was curious about it from day one because it seemed like she was a goddamn girl scout one day and other times she’d get so angry her hair would practically glow. You know what she told me?” Zaeed looks at Kaidan and Kaidan shakes his head. “‘Gut instinct, Zaeed. One day I’m afraid it will let me down. But so far, it never has.’ And then she downed half a bottle of rotgut Batarian whiskey in five minutes. No one ever said that goddamn bitch was _wise_.”

Kaidan stares at Zaeed for a long minute. Then he nods. For all that he’s put her up on some sort of crooked pedestal, he appreciates Zaeed’s reminder that she was only human, after all.

  
  



	5. I can't resist you and I knew when I kissed you.

The storm moves on hours later. When they exit the mine, the shuttle is nowhere to be seen, the ground and everything around them looking like it has gone through a blender. What little is left of any trees are just stumps twisted in the ground. “Damnit, I liked that shuttle,” Kaidan mutters. Not to mention now they have to figure out how to get off planet and back to his ship.

Zaeed slaps his back. “C’mon. Let’s go get us some bad guys.”

The ground is spongy and uneven, soaked with rain. Mud sticks to their boots, slowing them to plodding. He doesn’t complain, and neither does Zaeed. Zaeed, in fact, seems almost happy, cheerfully telling him stories about missions long past. Kaidan can tell Zaeed has told these stories many times. Perhaps he’s just glad for a new ear that hasn’t heard them before. The soft tapping of the tracker on his omni sets time with their footsteps, increasing in tempo as they get closer.

They see it as they crest a hill. Only the top half of the Reaper is exposed, the rest hidden below ground in what reminds Kaidan of an old missle silo. The damage from the storm is less here, the ground thankfully becoming firm again. His thighs ache.

“None too happy about this,” Zaeed says, peering around the rocks. “Count eight turrets and about twice as many guards.”

Kaidan spins up his omni, confirming the numbers. Heavy turrets, the sort they’d encountered on the asteroid headed for Terra Nova back in the day, so they couldn’t be picked off from a safe distance. “Twenty ground troops,” he says softly. “What I wouldn’t give for a Mako.”

A soft grunt from Zaeed affirms his desire. “Surface to air missiles would be nice. Couple hundred grenades. We got any of that?”

“Only if I light your backpack on fire and shoot you out of a rocket,” Kaidan says with a grin and Zaeed chokes down a laugh, winking at him in a way that makes him blush underneath his helmet. “However, I do have a couple stealth cloaks. How do you feel about going in sneaky?”

“Sneaky, huh? Well, there’s a first time for everything.”

Kaidan fits his extra cloak to Zaeed’s armor and copies the app over to his omni. “Kasumi’d laugh her bloody ass off at this,” Zaeed mumbles, sealing his helmet. Then he turns into a shimmer of diverted light.

“Half an hour before it needs a recharge,” Kaidan says. “We can get across to the side, try and see if there’s another way in. Your HUD will allow you to see me.”

“After you, Major.”

They use up nearly the entire thirty minutes sneaking around to the back, where they find a locked door, which Kaidan hacks through quickly. Inside they find a long hallway with several doors on either side. With only twenty seconds to spare, Zaeed opens a random door, and after a quick check, pulls Kaidan inside.

It’s a janitor’s closet. And not a large one. Still, it’s enough for them to stand and wait while their cloaks recharge. Kaidan uses the time to take a reading for heat signatures of the floors above and below them. There’s a cluster above in the opposite direction of the tracking device, possibly a cafeteria, even an office or lab. Several of them appear to be sitting around a table. “You remember the layout in this place?” Kaidan asks quietly.

Zaeed shakes his head. “Not this part. But I’ll let you know if we come across something familiar.”

After fifteen minutes, they reactivate their cloaks and make their way down the hall, finding themselves in an atrium of sorts. Zaeed taps his shoulder, pointing toward the front lobby. “Front door,” he says.

Kaidan nods. “Tracker is this way.” He points towards a set of stairs that lead up to a mezzanine. The halls are mostly quiet, but for an occasional person in a lab coat. The place is a maze of hallways, with no stairs leading from more than one floor to the next. Intentional, Kaidan figures. And a fire trap.

“Goddamn—” Zaeed breathes when they turn a corner and suddenly the dark, smooth shape of the Reaper is ahead of them, visible through a large window. Kaidan checks the timer on their cloaks. Only a few minutes left. He signals Zaeed to look around for somewhere for them to hide, but they’re in a sort of dead end, with only one door and a far more sophisticated lock on it than the one on the outside door.

Footsteps coming toward them increases the urgency. He glances around the corner to see another lab worker, nose buried in a datapad, coming right for them. “Shit—” The cloak expires as he pulls his head back around, eyes wide as Zaeed’s form appears next to him. “What—”

He’s cut off as Zaeed pushes him back against the wall, crushing his mouth with his own, just as the person rounds the corner. Their footsteps falter briefly. Then they laugh softly. “Geez, you two. Get a room.” Kaidan mumbles an affirmative against Zaeed’s mouth as the footsteps start again, then stop at the door. He counts a ten-numbered key entry before a soft blip and the door closes with a soft sigh.

Zaeed grins when he breaks away. “Never actually had that work before.”

“Not sure I want to know that,” Kaidan says, bringing up his omni. “I counted ten for the code—”

“Twelve.” Zaeed corrects.

“I—no. Ten.”

“Twelve. And thanks for the compliment,” Zaeed says with a wicked grin. “Never thought I’d be someone who could make your brain short circuit.”

“You’re not. It was ten.” Kaidan ducks his head, tapping intently away at his omni to hide the rising blush he can feel heating his cheeks.

Zaeed waves at Kaidan’s omni. “You’ll see.”

Turns out to be twelve. “I fucking hate you,” Kaidan says and Zaeed just chuckles softly as he closes the door behind them.

The door leads to a catwalk. Down below, a large room holds about twenty people, working busily over computers. To the left, he sees a continuation of the large window with more of the Reaper visible and a myriad of tubes and wires connecting it to a wall of servers. Zaeed taps his shoulder and leads him off into a dark corner where they hunker down, watching the activity below.

“I can pick off half from up here,” Zaeed says. “‘Specially if you were to keep them busy.”

“There’s Corson. No sign of the other two.” She stands at one of the computer consoles, typing quickly, occasionally glancing over at the Reaper that can be seen through the large window. “I count two guards,” Kaidan points at the base of the stairs. Their armor is off the rack, each one apparently picked out by the wearer, with no sign of a Cerberus logo anywhere. No wonder they’d been able to get away with that kiss, if there isn’t a uniform. Few of the lab workers seem to be carrying any sort of weapon. “You see any other exit?”

“Couple doors in the back—”

“What the hell are you two doing up here?” When he turns, a third guard stands over them, rifle aimed. His arm raises toward his helmet, presumably to use his comm. Instinctively, Kaidan activates his overload, sending him flying backwards. There’s nothing quiet about the report of Zaeed's rifle. He registers a shout from below as the noise draws attention.

“So much for Plan A,” Zaeed mutters, sniper rifle already aiming towards the two guards below. He downs one with two shots before Kaidan can turn around. “That’s one for me.”

“Guess I’ll go low, then,” Kaidan launches himself over the banister, his body enveloped in familiar blue biotic energy when he lands. He reaves the second guard, who takes several steps backward at the impact. Lab workers scatter in all directions, heading for cover, except for Corson who continues typing furiously at the computer. “Zaeed!” He charges his barrier as the guard aims at him.

“Got her.” The console explodes in front of her, sending her flying backwards in a shower of sparks.

The distraction is enough for Kaidan to finish off the final guard. He turns to watch several people make a run for one of the doors at the back. And then a klaxon alarm blares at the same time his barrier is hit. “Shit—” He looks up to see Corson with a pistol aimed right at him.

“Kaidan Alenko. Second human Spectre. Why try to stop the greatest thing to happen for humanity?” Corson demands.

“I’m questioning why you think humanity needs to control the Reapers,” and with that his biotics flare around him and he hits her with a cryo blast to slow her down.

“You’re ‘oo la’e,” Corson says through frozen lips. “U’load nearly com’lee!” She takes a slow step forward, bringing her pistol up to fire again.

Kaidan registers the sound of Zaeed’s pump action from somewhere up above and behind him as he readies his reave. “And then what? Take over all the Reapers? To what end?”

Her eyes glow in self-righteous furor. “Humani’y’s righ’’ul place in the galaxy.” Her eyes narrow as the cryo wears off. “You of all people should understand that, Major.”

“I understand there will always be people like you who are willing to climb over those they see as less than equal. Less than worthy. Too bad you didn’t learn that too.”

Her finger squeezes the trigger. “You’ll never—” Her body flies backward, the shot from her pistol hitting the ceiling. A splatter of blood hits the computer consoles behind her just as her body lands, sliding ingloriously down into a heap.

Kaidan takes a breath and looks up as Zaeed stands, sniper rifle propped on his hip. _Fuck, he looks completely badass_. And Kaidan knows, it’s not just looks. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Zaeed jumps down from the catwalk, graceful and spry. “So what’s the plan, Major?”

An explosion from the rear door sends them both for cover behind the bank of servers. Zaeed lobs several grenades in the direction of more Cerberus guards who spill through the doorway. In the explosion, smoke billows and spreads out from the corner of the room. Kaidan can hear several screams of pain. 

“I need to upload the virus directly,” Kaidan says, shooting from cover. “Which means getting through that panel over there,” he nods towards an opening in the wall where wires snake through, connecting the Cerberus computers to the Reaper.

“Alright. I’ll hold them off. You do what you need to do.”

“Zaeed—”

“You know all those stories I told you, ‘bout being the last man standing?” Zaeed grunts as he speaks, hurling another grenade.

“Yeah.”

“You know what’s better than those stories?”

Kaidan shakes his head, reloading a heat sink.

“ _Not_ being the last man. You go do your thing and I’ll do mine.” His voice is low and gruff and somehow more reassuring than it should be. “Be a shame to deprive the galaxy of our glorious asses.”

Kaidan smirks and then grabs the edge of Zaeed’s collar and pulls him close, kissing him hard and fast.

“What was that for?” Zaeed asks.

“Luck.”

Zaeed smiles and leans in to kiss him back, just a quick brush of his lips against Kaidan’s.

“And that?” Kaidan asks.

“So you know the first kiss didn’t go unappreciated.” A spray of gunfire hits their cover, sending sparks and shrapnel flying. “Git.” Zaeed nods towards the Reaper. “I’ll cover you.”

“I’m the one in charge here,” Kaidan says with a smile, before running toward the access.

“There is no goddamn doubt, Major.”

Rifle shots chase him across the floor and he runs faster, skidding to a halt at the access door. He crawls through and finds himself on a catwalk in the large, circular chamber, looking directly into the eye of the Reaper. He looks down briefly to see he’s still several stories up from the base. He feels frozen in place, the Reaper’s stare unrelenting, disquieting.

“Shepard?” he whispers.

There is no answer.

A loud bang from behind and then the sound of explosions and Zaeed’s rifle firing propels Kaidan into action. He follows the tubes and wires that extend out from the wall and along a catwalk toward the panel he’d seen shut back on Eden Prime. This time it’s open, the wires leading inside. He follows their lead quickly, stepping into the Reaper’s dark interior. He feels the hum of the Reaper through his boots, a low vibration that sets his teeth on edge. He takes a deep breath.

He cracks a light stick, hooking it to his belt. Even from inside he feels watched, as if it knows he’s there, tracking each step, around structural supports until he comes to where the wires and tubes have been connected to what looks like a mainframe. It looks jimmied, the two techs couldn’t be more dissimilar, but somehow Cerberus has managed to make it work, most likely building on whatever research they’d managed to salvage from before and during the war. He scans over the tech, looking for anything familiar, and useful, finally finding several connected datapads setting off to the side.

To the background noise of Zaeed’s rifle firing and the low hum of the Reaper, he clicks through the datapads. One monitors energy output. Another recordss the Reaper’s internal data. A third monitors the Reaper’s network connection to the rest of the horde of machines, something he’s never seen before and wishes he had more time to study. But there’s no time.

The fourth shows an upload bar at ninety-six percent. There is no ‘cancel’ option.

An explosion from the direction of Zaeed and the Cerberus guards draws his attention. “Hurry the fuck up, Kaidan!” Zaeed growls over the comms.

“Retreat behind the access panel,” Kaidan directs. “Close it behind you. Fry the keypad if you can. Slow them down any way you can.”

“Roger that.”

He needs to be able to salvage the datapad if he’s going to upload the other virus. The upload meter creeps up to ninety-seven percent.

“Persistent bastards,” Zaeed mutters over the comm. “Hope you’ve got an exit strategy, Major.”

“Other problems right now, Zaeed!”

MAJOR KAIDAN ALENKO. The Reaper’s voice reverberates through his entire body, like being inside a church bell as it’s struck. TO STOP THE UPLOAD, YOU MUST ACCESS THE SECONDARY PORT LOCATED BELOW THE MAIN TERMINAL. IF YOU FAIL, CERBERUS WILL TAKE CONTROL OF ALL REAPER UNITS. ZAEED MASSANI, YOU MUST ENTER THIS UNIT THROUGH THE ACCESS PANEL.

He doesn’t stop to think, taking two quick steps to find the secondary port. Zaeed’s cursed exclamation barely registers as he fumbles through more wires.

EFFECTIVE TERMINATION OF THE UPLOAD WILL SUCCEED IF YOU DISENGAGE THE BLUE WIRE. UPLOAD IS AT NINETY-NINE PERCENT.

“No pressure, then.” Kaidan tugs at the wire, but it’s been hard-wired into the Reaper’s hardware. He activates his omni-blade and cuts through it, the smell of burned plastic casing singing his nostrils.

MAJOR KAIDAN ALENKO. TERMINATION SUCCESSFUL.

“Goddamn Reaper knows my goddamn name,” Zaeed says behind him in the hatch entrance.

ZAEED MASSANI, THIS REAPER IS FAMILIAR WITH YOUR UNIT. SEAL THE HATCH DOOR.

“Jesus fuck—” Zaeed complains, but closes the hatch. It seals shut with a hiss of hydraulics. 

“What—” Kaidan feels the Reaper rumble briefly as it lifts into the air. Then hears the horrifying sounds of the Reaper’s laser canon as it fires down at the Cerberus base. From a small view port, he can see the plume of fire and smoke as it rises

ALL THREATS ELIMINATED. MAJOR KAIDAN ALENKO, COMMAND THIS UNIT TO YOUR DESTINATION.

Kaidan looks at Zaeed, who shrugs and crosses his arms.

“Uh...my ship’s in orbit.”

A LOCATION IS REQUIRED.

“Okay. Can I...how do I interface with your controls?”

ACTIVATION OF YOUR OMNITOOL IS ALL THAT IS REQUIRED. THIS UNIT CAN VIEW THE HAPTIC INTERFACE.

He opens his omni and brings up his ship’s location.

DESTINATION SET.

There’s nowhere to sit, really, so the surge of acceleration pulls at his knees. Zaeed leans back against the outer hull, watching him carefully.

“What?”

“You gonna do it?”

“I’m under orders from the council.”

“But?”

Kaidan looks around him at the Reaper’s interior. It’s the same dark color as its exterior, a darkness that seems to suck all light into it, making it disappear. The soft green glow of his lightstick casts an eerie atmosphere. Darkness lurks so close as to be nearly within him. “If Shepard has...become part of the Reapers, it would destroy anything we have left of her. It would _kill_ her.”

Zaeed studies him quietly. “Is this—” he flings out his arm, indicating the Reaper, “—any sort of life? Stuck in a machine for all eternity? Seems like a goddamn hell, you ask me.” His voice softens, “I get it, Kaidan. She meant something to you. She meant something to me too. You really want to leave her in this goddamn purgatory? In addition to which, Cerberus managed to almost take complete control of them all. You wanna leave that possibility open for someone else to deal with in the future?”

“That was the council’s intent,” Kaidan says. “Better no one should have their benefit, if it means one day someone could control them for their own purposes. Or even worse, they somehow manage to break free of Shepard’s control.”

A whirring sort of buzz draws their attention to the console, and then a greenish-blue screen glows on the wall. “...— _den…—t...g—”_ The interface glows with static, but eventually it comes into focus and what he sees makes his heart ache. _Shepard._ Commander Jane Shepard’s face becomes visible. The image isn’t clear by any means, fuzzy with static, as if broadcast over analog from a thousand light years away. But there’s no mistaking it for anyone else.

_It’s her._

“Shepard?”

“Fucking shit.” Zaeed steps up behind him, peering over his shoulder at the small image.

“ _I didn’t know th—... Kaidan. —me...”_

“What? Shepard. You’re breaking up. You didn’t know what?”

“— _tired. Tried to—…-ix it. Kaidan. Let me go.”_

“Fuck,” Zaeed breathes out on a long breath. A perfect expression of Kaidan’s own thoughts.

“Shepard. Jane—”

“ _Must be a way to stop this. Kaidan. I tried. Three. I managed three—”_

“The three Reapers that destroyed themselves? That was your doing?"

“— _Programming too ingrained. Millions of years. There must be another way. Please. Kaidan. Zaeed. You must destroy them all. Release me. Kaidan—…so tired…”_ The static fizzes and pops, her image fading. “ _...destroy…—so tired.”_ And then she’s gone, her voice, her face fading away.

“Shepard?” Kaidan stares at the blank screen. “ _Shepard?!_ ” But the only answer is silence. She’s gone. “Fuck!” He turns to find Zaeed watching him carefully. He doesn’t know how, but he knows something is spinning around in the merc’s brain. “What?”

It takes Zaeed a minute to spit it out, and then he says, “Seems to me you were just given a direct order."

Kaidan sighs, but what he really feels like doing is crawling under a table and curling into a ball. He slams his fist into the wall instead. He doesn’t want to think. When the council had given him this mission, he’d accepted it only because if what he believed to be true—that Shepard is indeed still conscious somewhere inside the Reapers—that he should be the one to do... _it_. He’d served with her. Followed her into hell and back. Took her impossible orders and carried them out in the only way possible. By succeeding.

He’d _loved_ her. And after everything that had happened, perhaps he still does. Not the sort of bright, flaming love born of first flush. But a simmering sort of omnipresent love that has guided every step he’s taken since her death over Alchera. An aching sort of love that churns and bubbles in the back of his mind. A love as simple and instinctual as breathing, even after he knew there hadn’t been a chance for him anymore, that she’d found comfort in the arms of someone else. He would die still loving her and there’s nothing he can do about it.

It has to be him.

“Hey,” Zaeed’s voice is soft and gruff. “We’ll do it together.”

Kaidan blinks at Zaeed, dumbfounded. “What?”

“No one should have this on their shoulders. Not alone anyway. Bloody business, putting someone out of their misery. Much less that it’s goddamn Commander Jane Shepard. You start up the program. I’ll push the damn button. Or whatever the hell you tell me to do.” Zaeed gives him a long, earnest look and Kaidan’s heart thuds heavily at the relief he suddenly feels. The heaviness in his chest lightens, still miserable at the prospect of what has to happen. _But he doesn’t have to do it alone_.

Kaidan nods once and turns, pulling out a small data chip from a compartment in his armor. Without a word, he sets it on the datapad and begins to strip the wires he’d cut only minutes ago. He purges the Cerberus virus from the datapad before inserting the chip. It beeps within seconds.

It’s a simple program. Compared to what Cerberus had meant to do, it does one thing. A run time error with only one fix. Broadcast the fix to all Reapers. Fly into the nearest star. Eleven lines of code. Beautiful in its simplicity. It means the end of the Reapers once and for all. And of Shepard.

Zaeed watches him, holding wires when Kaidan directs him, standing back when he’s not needed. Kaidan is once again surprised at Zaeed’s careful, measured tactfulness, and appreciates him for it.

Perhaps he’ll tell him later.

It’s all done quickly. The virus is ready to upload to the Reaper. All that’s left is to be at their ship and press a button. Zaeed looks out the small starboard window. “Almost to your ship.”

“There’s no way for the Reaper to dock with mine. We’ll have to jump. Helmet on.” Kaidan fits his own helmet into place, sealing the clamps with a hiss of released air. He types a command into his omni and the docking door to his ship slides open. “Get ready.”

The Reaper slows, moving to position the doors as close as possible. When Zaeed releases the catch to open the port hatch, Kaidan can see only a few meters of empty space between the two. “In position, Major,” Zaeed says next to him.

Kaidan holds the datapad in one hand. _This is it._ He looks up at Zaeed, who nods and reaches out his hand, one finger hovering over the upload button. Kaidan places a finger on the back of his and presses down.

“Now!”

He drops the datapad on the floor and they run for the hatch, jumping easily into the decon area of Kaidan’s ship. He grabs a handle and pulls himself around just as Zaeed lands behind him. They stand at the open door and wait, the silence of empty space filled only by the quiet hum of the Reaper.

They don’t have long to wait. The ship shudders in a way Kaidan can only describe as a _shiver_. And then its engines power up to a roar and it’s gone. Kaidan tracks it with his omni as it heads at speed toward the center of the system. It doesn’t take long and soon the blip disappears from the small map.

“Shepard…” Kaidan breathes.

He feels Zaeed’s hand on his shoulder.

They stand at the open docking bay door for a long time, on the verge of space, the silence all around them and the myriad of stars before them.

  
  



	6. Watch it now 'cause Here I go again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smuts in here. If you want to skip it, scroll down to the first horizontal line.

Zaeed falls back on the sheets, skin glistening with sweat, damp hair falling over his forehead. “Goddamn…”

Kaidan laughs softly and lands next to him. Zaeed reaches out and pulls him closer, rolling to his side to throw a leg over Kaidan’s hip, leg muscles tightening to fit their hips together. Zaeed closes his eyes and growls low in his throat, a sound Kaidan can feel through the mattress, which just makes his smile grow larger.

“Pretty damned pleased with yourself,” Zaeed says.

“Well. Yeah.” Kaidan smirks. “Never thought I could make you _beg_.”

“Fucking hell. Tell anyone and I’ll have your guts for garters.” But there’s no heat in the threat and Kaidan laughs again.

“Why would I do that when I could just do it again?”

Zaeed cracks his green eye open. “Fuck.” And then he leans close and kisses Kaidan. Hard. And long. And so very, very fully.

His brain can’t help but relive the last hour and his balls can’t help but ache.

He’d sent a message to the council. Mission accomplished. What is the status of other Reapers? Short and sweet. Checked his messages. He hadn’t set a course yet. There hadn’t been time. He’d turned halfway to the cockpit to see Zaeed pull his helmet off and there hadn’t been anything for it. He strode back to Zaeed, peeling pieces of armor off and dropping them to the floor in a clattering trail that caught Zaeed’s attention. The man’s grin as Kaidan pressed him up to the bulkhead had disappeared when Kaidan kissed him, fingers groping for latches on Zaeed’s armor and flinging them away until they both stood with chests and arms separated by a thin layer of under armour. 

She intruded on Kaidan’s thoughts once when he’d pushed a naked Zaeed down on the bed. He couldn’t help the thought that rose unbidden and unwanted— _Maybe in another life_. For a split second he saw her on the bed instead of Zaeed, red hair flaming around her head. It felt so real in that moment. Almost like a memory.

But then Zaeed had sat up and engulfed Kaidan’s cock in his mouth and Shepard was gone. Zaeed was real and alive and there was no point wondering what could have been when what he had right now was so _goddamn_ good.

Kaidan sighs as the kiss ends, releasing his tight hold around Zaeed’s back. “So what’s fair mission compensation for an independent contractor these days?”

Zaeed laughs. “Guess it depends if you’re gonna ask me back.”

“I was thinking maybe you’d like a trial run at a sort of partnership, perhaps.”

Zaeed tips an eyebrow up. “Partnership?”

“Already have approval from the council. They sent me a couple leads on engineers. Said to pay you the going rate. I have no idea what that is.”

Both Zaeed’s eyebrows go up at that. “The council. That was fast.”

“You’re ruthless. Relentless. Right up their alley.”

“Couldn’t give a fuck if they did a goddamn Morris dance while singing _How Much is that Doggie in the Window?._ Much more concerned if I’m up _your_ alley.”

Kaidan smiles and rolls them over until he’s laying over Zaeed, looking down into his surprised face. “You’re in my fucking bed, you daft idiot.”

“And that’s my answer?”

“That’s your answer.” He rolls over and off the bed, throws a random piece of Zaeed’s under armor at him. “Time to stop lolligagging. Help me figure out where to get fuel around here.”

* * *

Zaeed reaches over Jasper, who sits purring on the edge of the star map, and points at Ekuna. Kaidan tries his best not to be distracted by the tank top and sweats Zaeed is wearing. “I might know a guy there. Space station. Not too keen on galactic security of any sort. So maybe keep the Alliance/Spectre thing on the down low.”

Kaidan swivels the chair around. “You might know a guy?”

“Pays to have a merc on your ship,” Zaeed says with a grin. “You think I caught all those goddamn bounties just outta pure luck?”

“You’re a man of many surprises,” Kaidan says, turning the chair back around. “Alright. Contact your guy.”

The guy turns out to be an asari commando, but she gives the all clear after a hefty fee—bribe, more like—and they’re allowed to dock at the station orbiting Ekuna’s moon. The first thing that happens when they exit the ship is the asari waiting for them punches Zaeed, which he takes with a grimace and a “Yeah, I deserved that.”

“That’s for Aderi, you fucking asshole. You’re a fucking asshole.” She looks at Kaidan. “And I’m assuming you’re a fucking asshole too, if you’re hanging around with him. So watch what you do on my station. I’ve got eyes everywhere. You so much as piss crooked and I’ll be up your ass so hard and so fast your first time will look like a leasurly stroll through a fucking garden.” She points at Zaeed. “Get your fuel and get out. The only reason you’re even here is because I owe you one. _One_. After this, we’re even.” She turns on her heel and firmly, smartly, and very pointedly, walks away.

“You have an interesting idea of ‘know a guy’,” Kaidan says.

Zaeed rubs his hand down his cheek where her fist had landed. “It was a pretty big one she owed me. Took a chance. Pity she’s still holding a grudge, though. Would be handy to have a friendly place to land this side of the galaxy.”

Kaidan doesn’t comment, figuring it isn’t really any of his business. But he finds it interesting that Zaeed has already taken to this partnership idea. “It’s going to take a while to get fueled up. Any place to eat close by?”

Zaeed points into the bustling hall of the station. “Used to be a pretty good noodle place. Best damned ramen I’ve ever had in my life.”

“I’m buying.”

Zaeed nods and leads the way.

“So maybe the next time you know a guy, give me a head’s up? Just so I know if I need to prepare for weapons fire.”

Zaeed looks at him sideways. “I think it would be pretty safe to say, anytime I know a guy, the first thing you should do is prepare for weapons fire.”

Kaidan smirks. “This is going to be...interesting. Working with you.”

Zaeed smiles at him and winks.

* * *

  
  


> FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Reports from around the galaxy state all Reaper forces have been destroyed by flying into the closest star. No information as to what or who is behind this extinction level event, although speculation is rampant at this time. The Citadel council was unavailable for comment. Stay tuned for a report from Dianna Allers.

  
  


_Fin_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titles are lyrics from Here I Go Again by The Hollies.
> 
> I've been wanting to write this story for some time, so I'm glad to finally have it out of my head. Thank you for coming along for the ride!
> 
> You can find me over at the [Tumblr](threewhiskeylunch.tumblr.com).


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